SONATAWORLDS

Sonata lost at Sea. LATEST NEWS 23 July 2010

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Race review from the Boss – St Tom De Furz. Sonata World Series Race 15 Race report- 22 July 2010 There is, apparently, a piano just below the summit of Ben Nevis. How it got there has been the subject of much speculation but the fact remains its there- if you don’t believe me take a look for yourself. How is this relevant to Thursdays race? Well, as Blues breaker eased away from the fleet towards Mark Z Simply Alto sailing with a novice crew rounded Mark F in second place. How she achieved this impressive position is a mystery akin to the Ben Nevis piano. When asked how he managed it The Coote smiled enigmatically and said “b…….d if I know” Clearly the tension of maintaining this position was too much to bear and thanks to some inept spinnaker trimming Alto was soon overtaken by the piano (no not that piano the other one). Cruelly as the fleet approached Z the already light wind became nothing more than a maidens kiss (not that I can remember that far back) and with Team Blues already tucking in to Dennis’s finest it became a battle for second place. DT surprised everyone with an impressive turn of speed to claim second in front of a piano (look I know its confusing but get a grip. Real pianos don’t float do they?) Simply Alto was fourth with Aeolian just 22 seconds behind, Argo and G-String were trapped by the lack of wind and Splash, proudly displaying her new main failed to finish. See news reportage…. Ps. The piano (oh please!) was apparently carried to the summit by a Scottish woodcutter 35 years ago who, having achieved this monumental feat sat down and played Scotland the brave on his bagpipes. Why? Could it be that anyone connected to pianos is ever so slightly deranged? Answers on a postcard please to the Webmaster Tim Corbett. St. Tomas de Furzeham

Breaking News from your Break water despondent:- No waves were reported along the Brixham breakwater earlier today. Has someone shot the Snottie cameraman? Yes. Ed. Freak conditions are being linked to “ a no wind situation” – globally this is becoming significant says Alf Fog your local donkey and sea weed fondler. Gubbins from the bar…… A report has reached the editor, unconfirmed at this stage, of outside assistance being given to the Ball Breakers during the race – they were the only boat to move at more than 1 knot all night! RA Nutter (Ret Dartmouth) was strolling Berry Head and noticed portly, fit looking, elderly gentleman step off the bow of Blues Breaker with a piece of rope. He proceeded to tow the Sonata gently out of the harbour towards the first mark. It soon became clear that this cheery old chap was having trouble keeping his feet on the flat water, maybe because his deck shoes were too shiny. After a hundred yards of pulling he scuttled round the back and gave the stern a hearty shove towards F and sprang niftily back on board. There was a strong smell of lighter fuel and brake fluid emanating from the Rear Admiral but an even stronger smell of fish was noticed by the other competitors…… NICK BYE IS APPEALING for calm. The reclusive Tory/Liberal Mayor has come out of the Clown Hall to appeal to the plebs of South Devon to co- operate with authority and help in any way they can during this difficult time. Dentine Boy has appeared at a number of sites where TV cameras roll and reporters are gathering to give us all assurance that he will prevail. Obama is said to be thinking of Brixham 24/7. (that’s enuff satire. Ed) Uri Geller - self publicist and bender – “I was Kats best friend” – he was not available to comment however he did tell your reporter that he was too emotional to comment. Full TV extravaganza to follow at Christmas. World Wild Life officers have drawn up plans to ‘turg’ the whole of Torbay in Eco friendly scum busting fragrant suds. Schools have broken up but any child found on the streets will be rounded up for seagull duty – i.e. given two dust bin lids and told to keep the blighters in the air till the extent of the spill is known. Shares in suds are rising to meet the oil shares coming down in what will be a Bull/Bear big market bonanza. Breaking news – Splash has just been seen tied up in Brixham outer harbour still no sign of the crew

MOONLIT SONATA ALL AT SEA? Friday 23 July 2010 The hunt continues for the Sonata that did not finish THE LAST RACE. Air sea rescue helicopters circled overhead. Ancient Comet Jets with state of the art all-weather HIDE-N-SEEK technology (boffins with bins) cluttered the skies off the small sea port of Brixham, Devon, England. The local fire brigades are all in a state of high alert (they are awake) ready for “some cliff action” that they have been training for all year. In the dying wind and dimming light no shadow of Splash was to be found. In what is becoming to be known as The Calm of Death speculation grows as to the whereabouts of the plucky Marie Splash Celeste. The Painted Ship. “Katrina, a lovely lass disappears in a Yacht.” Agatha Chrystie. £3.5 k up front deal. Movie rights are still up for grabs with BIG STUDS STUDIOS Advertisement feature – it could be you in this space. Old ladies were seen weeping on Overgang Steps overcome with emotion. I interviewed one old lady and she told me she “I’m overcome with emotion” another was said to be very emotional and a third could not talk because…. All the locals are dumb founded that this tragedy can happen in the sleepy sea side town. “ I expect shock and daftness in Paignton but not here – Brixham is a nice place and no one is ever a cross patch and nothing ever happens here – when it does happen in Brixham the Buggers of Torquay say it happened in Torquay.” (Burgers ? Ed) JORDAN TIT- BITS Peter Andre’s PR says he is cock’o’hoop since his lovely ex-wife is knocked off the front page…see page 3. Urgent Enquiry Looms. An investigation by the RYA, MOD, Army, RAF and the H&S executive has already been called and a motion is being tabled by Harriet Harmon in the House later tonight blaming the government. When are we going to stop this from ever happening again? What breakdown in communication can possibly account for the failure of the race committee, the Met office, the Salvation Army, AA, Help the Aged, Neptune and God? It’s about time we learned from this tragedy……… last week was perfect sailing weather, force 6 and low visibility, so why, oh why, was it abandoned? This week’s grave loss could have been avoided if the race had been binned due to appalling flat calm racing conditions. Yorkshire Ripper, the Bulger case, Baby P and now this – when will it end? Mobin Reads RO is in shock/hiding. Sniffer Dogs But No Leads. Thousands of police officers and special constables combed the shoreline during Thursday evening and amassed a total of 7,500 hours overtime. I tracked down a few bobbies behind the dust bins at Elberry enjoying a well earned fag, flask and a snort, supplied by the Police catering corp. Inspector Frank Frank told me frankly that they had too few resources and it was all too little too late. Frank said, “Frankly it requires at least 5000 officers, arms linked, to search one beach and they tell me there are several beaches near here. We are mainly Met consumer liaison officers but we’ll do all we can ………we will not rest until the crew is safe and the boat is back in Brixham” he said sternly as he headed for a kip in the penthouse suite at the Palace Hotel, Torquay. In the Heart of the English Riviera. NAVY & RNLI M.I.F.F.E.D. The Coastguard chap in Brixham told me he has not been told about any problem in Torbay as it is now all dealt with by nerds in Arizona with an Sinclair Z80 - so not much chance of our lads ‘getting in on the rescue….’ The head office is mainly for junkets and most of the news is about the size of lapels and the number of buttons on your smoking jacket these days…. Mr Cameroon and Nick Clegg called for troops to be withdrawn from wherever they are and redeployed on the Great Slosh Hunt. Dunkirk! Hunt saboteurs are being rounded up and given a talking too whilst all leave for Greenpiece activists has been cancelled till it is known how much fuel Slosh had on board. Happier times. Last known sightings of the Famous Yachtswoman whose whereabouts is not known …..Europlas are main sponsors of the Sonata World Series. They say there is no such thing as bad publicity and it does not get badder than this. Slosh used it’s brand new Europlas mainsail for the first time on this ill fated voyage. Local lads are stuffing Puffins in pens and banging dustbin lids together to keep seagulls on the wing. Shares in BP plummet as detergent shares rocket. It’s a roller coaster…… see full report on left…..Oh I’ve had enough of this…. One sad contestant ( archive bigfoto) refused to be named but is glad to be alive and to finish the Race of Doom before the bar shut in BYC. He went home to paddle around his lounge but that’s nonsense….. Stephen Linley-Shaw

Sorry must sign off as I see a blond bombshell dressed as a nurse coming my way straight down the ward….. BIG (still in Rio)